Jatuh Cinta Dalam Diam

Katakanlah aku menulis ini karena diingatkan kembali akan apa yang bisa kulakukan dengan aksara. Katakan saja bahwa aku perlu waktu dua tahun untuk kembali percaya dengan kekuatan yang dihasilkan oleh kalimat-kalimat yang begitu saja berkeliaran dalam anganku. Aku menuliskan apa yang mondar-mandir dan mengacak-acak pikiranku dalam diamnya. Apa yang melekat dan tak mau, tak bisa dipaksa hilang begitu saja.

***

Otakku berasap. Deretan kalimat berbahasa asing itu membumihanguskan akal sehatku. Kepalaku pening, terlalu banyak tekanan dan aku kehilangan nalar untuk mencernanya satu persatu. Kuketik pesan singkat itu dengan frustasi, sibuk merutuki kebodohanku yang dengan sangat sombongnya main mengiyakan saja tawaranmu. Keputusan yang terlampau bodoh, tapi apalah dayaku karena padamu— aku tak bisa berkata tidak.

Pesan terkirim. Balasanmu kuterima lebih cepat dari yang kuduga, yang secara sadar atau tidak membuatku berharap macam-macam karena merasa diprioritaskan.

"Sekarang lagi dimana? Kita ketemuan aja."

Deg!

Hanya satu pesan singkat...

dan tahu-tahu lirik lagu Love Story -nya Taylor Swift sudah berdengung di kepala, meruntuhkan tembok yang kubangun dengan susah payah, membangkitkan kembali harap yang merayap dalam gelap.

Padahal kata orang, cinta monyet tak akan bertahan sedemikian lama...

"Di mall ada foodcourt-nya kan?"

Oke.

Ternyata kamu serius!

"Aku kesana sekarang yaa."

Hah?

Mataku membesar dan refleks menganga. Kepanikan menjalar seketika. Pakaian apa yang harus kukenakan? Kaos, kemeja atau malah dress? Oh— tidak, terlalu berlebihan. Hmm, celana jeans atau rok? Bagaimana wajahku? Lebih baik dengan atau tanpa make up? Warna lipstik apa yang harus kupakai? Bagaimana dengan warna pakaianku? Apakah aku harus bergaya santai atau formal? Hmm, mungkin semiformal... haruskah aku pakai flat shoes, wedges atau sandal? Semua pertanyaan itu terlintas sekilas sekaligus dan jawabannya berserakan menunggu untuk dipunguti.

Aku mulai berkeringat karena panik, refleks kupijat pelipisku yang berdenyut semakin parah. Sedetik kemudian, kudapati diriku mendengus putus asa, bertingkah seolah tak peduli dan mengambil baju asal-asalan dari lemari.

***

Kamu berdiri di depan supermarket itu dengan ponsel dalam genggaman, lalu sesekali celingukan. Penampilanmu terlihat kharismatik seperti biasa, agak kelelahan dan sedikit lebih kurus. Jujur, aku sudah berusaha menahan keinginan untuk memandangi bola matamu berlama-lama, dan berulangkali mengingatkan diriku bahwa ini. bukan. kencan.

Kita duduk berseberangan, terpisah oleh meja bundar ala pantai dengan payung raksasa meneduhi kita, entah dari apa. Aku suka bagaimana kamu menjuluki dirimu "bli", mendengarkanmu bercerita tentang alur dan prosesmu berpikir, tentang bagaimana kamu menulis dan menyelesaikan materi yang harus kudalami ini. Harusnya kamu juga tahu bagaimana kalimatku tiba-tiba berubah serampangan, terbata-bata tanpa makna saat pandanganku berlabuh dalam bingkai kacamatamu. Tatapan matamu seolah menyelami aku, menelisik lebih dalam, menerawang jauh hingga aku buru-buru berpaling; khawatir kamu berhasil membaca seisi hatiku. Mustahil rasanya jika dengan tatapan macam itu kamu masih tak juga menyadari apa yang kurasakan.

Aku menunduk, memilih untuk menatap meja sambil mengulangi rentetan kalimatku yang tak akan mulus jika tatapanku sibuk beradu dengan bola matamu. Ya, kalimatku  memang sangat-sangat kacau... dan bukan salahmu jika kamu mulai pesimis. Toh, orang macam apa yang begitu mudah mengiyakan tawaran besar, tapi ternyata tergagap-gagap, seolah lehernya tercekik, kehilangan kata-kata, berkeringat dan panik ketika berlatih di hadapan satu orang penonton? Hanya satu orang! Dan beruntungnya kamu tak akan hadir di sana, karena tatapan menyelidik para juri tak ada apa-apanya dibanding uji nyaliku sekarang ini.

Kamu menjelaskan materi itu dengan tambahan tips-tips yang segera kucatat. Memang, ini seharusnya jadi ajang diskusi. Akupun sudah berusaha sebaik mungkin menyimak kalimatmu, sebelum di menit selanjutnya suaramu mulai memudar, terdengar agak menjauh dan aku mulai tenggelam dalam lamunan...

So many things that I wish you knew, so many walls that I can't break through...

Hey! Batinku berteriak sebelum aku benar-benar hilang dalam lamunan.

Sial.

Aku tersadar dengan sentakan kecil yang sedikit menarik perhatianmu, refleks kugigit bibir bagian dalamku sambil mengulum senyum dan menunduk, menahan malu yang membuat wajahku terasa panas. Tertangkap basah sedang memandangi seseorang tak pernah terasa sememalukan ini. Susah payah kutahan tanganku agar tak spontan menutupi wajahku yang memerah, kutelan kehisterisanku yang sudah ada di ujung lidah dan sebisa mungkin bertingkah normal. Aku mewanti-wanti diriku sendiri sebelum memberanikan diri kembali memandang ke arahmu. Kamu menatapku tepat di kedua bola mataku, seakan sudah tahu isi hatiku, lalu menyunggingkan senyum meledek.

***

I am scared to see the ending,

why are we pretending this is nothing?

I'll tell you I miss you but I don't know how,

I've never heard silence quite this loud.

(The Story of Us, Taylor Swift)

Jakarta, September 2016

Mungkinkah Sia-Sia?

Apa yang kutulis ini sepertinya lagi-lagi akan berakhir di draft, menanti-nanti plot twist baru yang kuyakini tak akan datang dalam waktu dekat. Sudah delapan tahun, dan segelintir kisah yang kutulis tentangmu rasanya semakin tak bermutu.

***

I hate to admit it
But my hands are shaking
Barely breathin'
Heart is racin'
Looks like feelings don't always change their minds

(The First Time, Kelsea Ballerini)

***

Aku yakin tanganku gemetar, napasku memendek dan jantungku ugal-ugalan berdetak semaunya. Sebaik mungkin kujabat tanganmu dengan mantap, tak boleh ada kesan lembek yang tersirat; tak peduli betapa jumpalitannya jantungku di dalam sana.

Huh.

Kamu melenggang pergi, dan harapanku rontok beterbangan. Agaknya kali ini tak akan ada kisah yang bisa kuceritakan. Tak ada. Sebelum batinku mencelus melihat kamu lagi-lagi berdampingan dengan wanita itu, beriringan kesana-kemari, bercakap-cakap lalu tertawa. Kamu tak tahu, kan, betapa panasnya hatiku melihat tatapan memuja yang terpancar darimu untuknya? Kamu sepertinya sangat tergila-gila padanya, memikirkannya setiap detik, setiap saat, hingga isi kepalamu tak jauh-jauh dari memori tentangnya, hingga namanya selalu terngiang di telingamu... hingga kamu berulang kali memanggil aku dengan namanya.

Ya, Tuhan... kurang dalamkah luka yang kamu torehkan tanpa sengaja? Tidak cukupkah aku mengelus dada setiap melihatmu dengannya? Kukubur rasa maluku untuk diriku sendiri, kupendam perih yang merebak setiap kamu mengulanginya lagi dan lagi. Jika mengingat pertemuan kita tempo hari, bohong rasanya jika kamu masih tak menyadarinya. Aku percaya bahwa kamu tahu. Kamu sengaja menghantam aku mundur, memasang papan peringatan besar-besar dan berusaha mengusirku secara halus. Aku mendecak frustasi, entah untuk kali keberapa. Sewindu sia-sia untuk kisah yang ujungnya itu-itu saja...

Dari aku,

Yang mulai lelah mengagumimu

dalam diam

Mia in La La Land

Bagaimana seseorang bisa melanjutkan hidup dengan perasaan semacam itu?

Bagaimana dia bisa hidup dengan buih-buih penyesalan yang harus terus menerus ditenggaknya?

Aku tak bisa membayangkan rasanya menjadi dia.

Aku tak akan pernah mau menjadi dia.

Mengapa harus ada cinta, jika kita tak bisa memiliki yang kita cintai?

Mengapa harus ada cerita yang pernah terjadi, jika pada akhirnya kita hidup sendiri-sendiri?

***

Aku tercekat. Tenggorokanku mendadak pahit. Satu hal yang pernah, masih, selalu dan akan terus aku khawatirkan. Aku tak ingin menjadi Mia di La La Land, aku tak mau tersesat, memilih yang salah, lalu kehilangan segalanya. Aku tak mau menyesal seumur hidup karena melewatkan seseorang yang kucintai hingga akhir hayat.

Kisah ini menusuk aku tepat di jantung. Aku bisa merasakan sebuah anak panah mencabik-cabik hatiku saat mereka berusaha saling melempar senyum. Pahit. Kegetiran melingkupi udara. Rasa sesal mengganjal di tenggorokan. Binar air mata yang tertahan di sudut mata seolah mengisyaratkan betapa mereka masih saling mencintai, terpaksa saling mengikhlaskan karena waktu dan kesempatan tak datang dua kali; takkan terulang lagi.

Aku tak bisa membayangkan hidup dengan penyesalan yang terus menggerogoti, mempertanyakan apa yang akan terjadi 'jika' kita tak saling melewatkan, mempersoalkan dan menyalahkan setiap hal yang kupilih dan kulakukan. Aku tak bisa hidup dengan kenangan sebagai sumber tangis. Aku tak ingin menghabiskan sisa hidupku menangis menyesali sesuatu yang tidak, tapi seharusnya aku lakukan.

Mia di La La Land adalah salah satu kisah klasik yang mampu merobek setiap hati yang ragu. Seakan mencemooh dan mencibir mereka yang menyangkal kesedihan dari cinta yang terlewatkan, seketika menarik ingatanku pada sebait puisi yang pernah kubaca dan dengan seenaknya terngiang begitu saja di kepalaku...

***

One day, whether you
are 14,
28
or 65

you will stumble upon
someone who will start
a fire in you that cannot die.

However, the saddest,
most awful truth
you will ever come to find-

is they are not always
with whom we spend our lives.

(Beau Christopher Taplin, The Awful Truth)

A Literary Analysis of “The Story of an Hour”

The story of an hour is a short story written by Kate Chopin in 19th century and illustrates life in that period of time. During that time period, women were owned by their husbands, they had a little to no control over their own lives. This situation is adapted by the author into the story, how marriage in the 19th century does not allow women to feel any sense of freedom. The husband has full power in the relationship, while the wife must always bend to his will. She must 'live for' him rather than for herself. Another indication about how the writer reveals gender inequality in this story is how the narrator at the beginning of the story called the protagonist 'Mrs. Mallard', but her husband was called by his first name. The protagonist's first name is not revealed until much later in the story, she is only referred to as the wife of Brenty Mallard.

The theme of the story is about the idea of freedom. The main character imagines about how free her life would be without the existence of her husband.

The primary action of the story takes place in the Mallards' home, which is barely described. From the story, we knew that the house has more than one floor because there is a staircase inside, Mrs. Mallard's room is upstairs and there's a comfortable roomy armchair in the room facing the window. From the title of the story, we already know that everything in this little drama happens within an hour. We also notice that during that time, nobody leaves the house. Men come in, but no one goes out.

The author uses a third person omniscient narrator to tell the whole story. At the prologue, the readers know something that the protagonist does not and at the epilogue, the story continues after the protagonist died (Paragraph 20). The narrator is not simply an observer, it is obvious that the narrator know more than can be physically observed. The narrator knows, for example, that Mrs. Mallard, for the most part, did not love her husband (Paragraph 13).

The structure of the plot is chronological, the author tells the story straight from the beginning to the end. The conflict starts when Mr. Mallard's friend, Richard, get word that Mr. Mallard died. He has to break the news to Mrs. Mallard as gently as possible because Mrs. Mallard has a heart trouble. The conflict raise as Mrs. Mallard struggles with her own grief, but she also can not avoid the fact that in the bottom of her heart, she feels relieved and there's a little tiny joy coming from realization that she is free and she would live for herself from now on. Then the climax takes place when Mr. Mallard comes home, one-hundred percent alive and far from dead, Mrs. Mallard got shocked and passed away.

In 'the story of an hour', there are some symbolism that the author use, for example, metaphor is used in this sentence "No; she was drinking in a very elixir of life through that open window", we knew that she does not really 'drink' anything. I believe that the author uses it to describe the sense of freedom that she feels. The author also use personification in "But she felt it, creeping out of the sky, reaching towards her through the sounds, the scent, the color that filled the air", we all know that feelings can not physically grasp on to you, the author uses this to express the intensity of the  feelings that Mrs. Mallard will soon experiencing.

Last but not least, the last phrase of the story "of the joy that kills", is my favorite. It is so ironic because in the story we knew Richard quickly tries to get in the way of Mrs. Mallards' sight so she is not able to see her husband. I assume that Richard did it because he does not want her to see her 'dead' husband alive, which will obviously make her happy but shock as well. Richard failed, Mrs. Mallard already saw her husband and she died of shock. The witnesses say that she is died from the joy of seeing her husband again, but in fact she died of shock from the realization that the new freedom and independence that she had previously had when she believed her husband was dead, is now will be impossible.

An Analysis of Intrinsic and Extrinsic Elements of "The Necklace" by Guy de Maupassant

            The Necklace is a short story written by Guy de Maupassant in the 19th century. The story starts with the narrator introducing the main character, Mathilde, who is pretty and charming but unsatisfied with the life she has. Even though she has a husband with a steady job, living in a flat with some functional furniture, good foods, and a servant to do all the housework, she still wants more. She believes that she deserves a better life over the one she already has. One day, her husband surprise Mathilde with an invitation to a ball held by The Minister of Public Instruction, but instead of being delighted as her husband had hoped, she gets sad because she thinks she does not have a suitable gown to wear. Her husband then gives her four hundred francs from his savings to buy a new gown for the ball,  but another problem comes up because Mathilde has no jewelry to put on. Her husband suggests her to wear natural flowers as an ornament but Mathilde thinks wearing flowers will only make her look poor among other women.

            Afterward, according to her husband’s order, Mathilde decides to borrow some jewelry from her friend, Madame Forestier. She tries many pieces of jewelries and ornaments but ended up choosing a superb diamond necklace to borrow. Mathilde then attends the ball with a great confident and a big smile on her face, she feels so happy because many attaches of the cabinet wish to dance with her. She later comes home with her husband and finds out that she lost the diamond necklace. Mathilde and her husband try to search everywhere but they can not find it, so they quickly try to replace it with a new one and find a similar necklace that costs thirty-six thousand francs. They sell everything they own and file many loans at high-interest rates to pay for the necklace.

            The story ends as Mathilde meets Madame Forestier, who barely recognize her, ten years later. Mathilde then tells Madame Forestier how she works hard and lives in poverty in the past ten years because she lost the diamond necklace and replaced it with a new one. Madame Forestier then takes her hand and explains that the necklace was fake and does not worth more than five hundred francs.

Intrinsic Elements

1.      Plot

a.      Introduction

The story began with the introduction of the main character, Mathilde, and all of her personality. The narrator described her as a “pretty and charming young creature” who was unhappy with her life because she believed that she was born to “enjoy all delicacies and all luxuries”. Even though she already lived in a middle-class family and had everything she needs, she was still unsatisfied with her condition and fancying about having luxury furniture, pretty gowns, expensive jewelry, dainty dinner, and shining silverware.

b.      Raising Action

Mathilde’s personality later caused many conflicts in her life. Instead of being grateful for being invited to the ball, she grieved and cried because she did not have a proper gown to wear. After her husband gave her money to buy a new gown, another problem arose when she said:

It annoys me not to have a single piece of jewelry, not a single ornament, nothing to put on. I shall look poverty-stricken. I would almost not go at all (Maupassant, 1884).

It implies how dramatical Mathilde is, she will always find a little flaw in her life to complain about. She believed that only luxury items will make her look prettier and elegant. That is why she decided to borrow a necklace from her friend, Madame Forestier.

c.       Climax

The climax took place when Mathilde realized that “she no longer had the necklace around her neck.” She and her husband had searched everywhere but the necklace was nowhere to be found. They then decided to quickly replace the necklace with a new one. It can be seen in the quotation below:

They found, in a shop at the Palais Royal, a string of diamonds that seemed to them exactly like the one they had lost. It was worth forty thousand francs. They could have it for thirty-six (Maupassant, 1884).

Mathilde and her husband had to dismiss their servant, sell everything they own and file so many loans to pay the necklace. They spend the next ten years of their life working day and night, living in poverty to pay off their debt.

d.      Falling Action

The conflict began to solved when Mathilde and her husband finally pay off all of their debt, “they had paid everything... with the rates of usury and the accumulations of the compound interest” and all of the hard work made Mathilde looked old.

e.       Resolution

The story ended as Mathilde told Madame Forestier the truth about the necklace. She said:

“Well, I lost it.”

“What do you mean? You brought it back.”

“I brought you back another exactly like it. And it has taken us ten years to pay for it. You can understand that it was not easy for us, for us who had nothing. At last it is ended, and I am very glad” (Maupassant, 1884).

Madame Forestier took Mathilde’s hands and told her that the necklace was fake and it was worth not more than five hundred francs.

2.      Characters

a.       Mathilde Loisel, the main character who lives a middle-class lifestyle but feels unsatisfied with her life. She is obsessed to live a luxury life, including glamourous gowns, expensive jewelry, fancy furniture, and shining silverware.

b.      Monsieur Loisel, is Mathilde’s husband who works as a clerk in the Ministry of Public Instruction.

c.       Madame Forestier, she is Mathilde’s wealthy friend who lends her the diamond necklace.

3.      Setting

a.       Setting of place

In general, the story took place in Paris, France. The story is set in the Monsieur Loisel’s house, Madame Forestier’s house, The Champs Elysees, etc. It can be seen in some quotations below:

But one evening her husband reached home with a triumphant air and holding a large envelope in his hand.

The next day she went to her friend and told her of her distress.

But one Sunday, having gone to take a walk in the Champs Elysees to refresh herself after the labors of the week, she suddenly perceived a woman who was leading a child. It was Madame Forestier, still young, still beautiful, still charming (Maupassant, 1884).

b.      Setting of time

The setting of time was not stated in the story but it can be concluded that the story represents life in the 19th century because Mathilde and Madame Forestier were still communicating through a letter. It can be seen in the quotation below:

“You must write to your friend”said he, “that you have broken the clasp of her necklace and that you are having it mended. That will give us time to turn round.”

She wrote at his dictation (Maupassant, 1884).

c.       Atmosphere

The story spreads gloomy and miserable vibes to the reader. It illustrates the irony of how Mathilde and her husband decided to replace the fake diamond necklace with a real one, which later makes them have to work very hard and live in poverty for a decade before successfully paying off all of their debt. Imagine how their life would be if only Mathilde told Madame Forestier the truth; that she lost the necklace, and perhaps Mathilde and her husband would not need to suffer for ten years of their life just because of a single lie.

4.      Point of view

The author of the story uses a third-person point of view or omniscient narrator, so the narrator knows everything that is happened in the story, especially the thoughts and feelings of the main character, Mathilde.

5.      Theme

The theme of this short story is symbolized by the title, the necklace. It represents everything that Mathilde wants and does not have; all the material things of a finer life. For her, the diamond necklace is the most wonderful piece of jewelry that she has ever seen and she thinks if she wears it, the diamond necklace would give her the aura of wealth that she is always wanted, but in reality, the necklace was fake. It reflects how people should not judge something based on the looks nor by the cost of a certain thing.

Extrinsic Elements

In my perspective, this story is trying to convey a moral value about being ungrateful. Madame Mathilde Loisel believes that she deserves a better life over the one she already has; “she feels like she had really fallen from a higher station” and does not belong to this kind of lifestyle. She forgets to live her life, too busy complaining about how miserable her life is, and suffering from the fact that all of her dreams about luxurious life would not come true.

The conflict of the story also causes by her inability to be thankful for everything. She does not care about how hard, how difficult it was for her husband to get an invitation to the ball at the palace, and instead of saying “thank you”, she ended up throwing the invitation on the table and start complaining, again, about how she does not have a suitable gown. She later got the gown, but then she starts ranting about having no jewelry, no ornament to put on. She could easily buy natural flowers like her husband’s recommendation, but in her mind, everything is only valuable if it is expensive, so she finally decided to borrow a diamond necklace from her wealthy friend, Madame Forestier. A decision that made her lost a decade of her life trying to pay off a debt that was originally unneeded.

The author also implies the idea of true love in this story. Monsieur Loisel loves Mathilde enough until he is willing to go through great trouble to get an invitation to the ball, which Mathilde loves. He put his wife's will above his own as seen in the quotation below:

He was laying aside just that amount to buy a gun and treat himself to a little shooting...

But he said “Very well. I will give you four hundred francs and try to have a pretty gown” (Maupassant, 1884).

Monsieur Loisel’s knows that his wife loves fancy things and he tries his best to provide what she needs because he loves her, even if it means he has to postpone his wishes.

Another issue reflected from the story is about natural beauty. At the ball, Mathilde feels so happy and confident because she thinks that the necklace she borrows from her friend is made of real diamonds. She believes that since Madame Forestier is wealthy, she only buys the best.  Mathilde thinks all the men look at her, ask her name and “wish to waltz with her” because she looks rich. She spends so much time convincing herself that possesions only have value if they are expensive that she loses sight of the real value of things. Mathilde fails to realize that beauty is not about how much her gown costs, the price of the jewelry she wears or her social status. She still looks beautiful and attractive even though she was wearing a fake diamond necklace.

Last but not least, the most important issue that can be concluded from this short story is about honesty. Mathilde and her husband had to suffer because they lied to Madame Forestier, they told her that “[Mathilde] have broken the clasp of her necklace and that [Mathilde is] having it mended.” If only they tell Madame Forestier the truth, they would only need to pay not more than five hundreds francs, instead of thirty-six thousand francs, to replace the necklace.